All the
Without P
A man comes for a meeting at the Social Security office.
- What is your name ? asks the employee.
- Andrew ... without P.
- Sorry ?
- Andrew ... without P.
- I do not understand. Can you repeat ?
- Andrew! Without P ...
- But in Andrew, there is no P ...
- It's been three times that I tell you!
A double cognac before it starts
A guy enters a bar shouting at the bartender: Boss! A double Cognac! Before it starts!
The boss serves, the type drinks.
Then he starts again: Boss! A double Cognac! Before it starts!
The boss serves again, the guy drinks again and asks again: Boss! A double Cognac! Before it starts!
The boss serves one more time, the guy drinks then asks one more time: Boss! A double Cognac! Before it starts!
The boss then approached him and said: You are very nice sir but you should now think to pay.
The guy said then: Damn ... That's it, it starts ...
A colorful wedding
At a wedding ceremony, a girl asks her mother:
- Mom, mom, why the lady, she is dressed all in white?
- Well, it's to show that she's happy, it's a color that announces happiness, to say that her love will last forever.
- Ah, ok ... but why the man then he is all black?
A blonde on the highway
A blonde is driving when her phone rings. She answers and hears the voice of her husband who tells him, panicked:
- Pamela, be very careful! I heard on the radio that there is a car that is driving a contraflow on the A75!
- Edward, I can tell you that the radio is wrong, there is not one, but hundreds!
Need glasses at the pharmacy
A blonde enters a pharmacy and asks:
- Do you have glasses?
- For the sun? asks the pharmacist.
- No, for me!
The leader of the human body
The human body wonders: who is the leader?
The heart says, It's me! I circulate the blood ...
The brain says: No, it's me because I control everything ...
The liver says: No, it's me because I feed!
And the anus then says it's him ... and all 3, heart, brain and liver, started to laugh ...
Then the anus refused to open for 7 days.
Appraisal: The liver exploded, the brain was in compote and the heart stopped.
Moral of the story: even an asshole can be a boss!
Bikers and boots
This is the story of a couple of bikers. Jean-Claude has long dreamed of a new pair of boots. One day, he sees a nice pair at his Ducati Store and he decides to buy it. After putting them on, he goes home and asks his wife:
- Honey, do you notice something different about me?
She looks at him and answers:
- No !
Frustrated, Jean-Claude locks himself in the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, but still wearing his new boots.
He asks his wife again:
- Do you notice something different now ?!
She looks at him and answers:
- Jean-Claude, what's different? She was hanging yesterday, she hangs today, and she will still hang tomorrow.
Furious, Jean-Claude exclaims:
- If she hangs, it's because she admires my new boots!
And she to answer:
- Ben should have bought you a new helmet then!
Followed thanks to Facebook
I do not have Facebook, I try to make friends outside the real Facebook, while applying the same principles ... So every day, I go down the street and explain to passersby: what I I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the day before, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do tomorrow. I give them photos, of my children, of the dog I already had, me washing my car ...!
I also listen to people's conversations and I tell them "I like ...! "
And it works... ! Currently, I already have 4 people who follow me: 2 policemen, 1 psychiatrist and 1 psychologist ...!
A pretty woman or a smart woman?
It is a woman who asks her husband:
- Honey, what do you prefer, a pretty woman or a smart woman?
- Neither darling, you know that I only love you!
A wedding full of surprises
During a wedding ceremony at the town hall, when the Mayor announces "If there is a person who opposes this marriage, it is manifested now or she will be silent forever."
Then, from the back of the room, there is a pregnant woman who got up and started walking down the aisle with a 3 year old child. The groom was sweating, the bride fainted. All hearts were drum-pounding.
When she arrives in front of the mayor, she says: "You can repeat, when we are behind, we do not hear well!"
Difference of treatments
A particularly ugly lady arrives at the doctor's with her charming girl and says to the doctor:
- Doctor, the throat is very irritated and the thermometer indicates 38.8.
- All right, let's watch, said the doctor. Take off your clothes, miss.
- But it's not my daughter who is suffering, sir, it's me!
- Oh sorry ! So, open your mouth and do: Aaaah ...
Dad, did you see?
A child walks with his father in the street and tells him:
- Oh ! Dad, did you see the big truck there?
- Yes I saw.
- Dad, did you see the beautiful car?
- Yes, yes I saw.
- Dad, did you see ...
- Yes I saw !!!
- Well, why did you walk in then?
The commitment to the army
In a military training camp, two people discuss:
- Why did you join the army?
- Because I'm single and I like war ... And you?
- I am married and I wanted peace!
The hat that lifts itself
A guy sunbaths naked on a beach. Naturally, to avoid getting sunburn, he covered his sex with his hat.
A girl goes by, and says with a smile:
"If you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat in front of a lady.
The guy then answers him:
- If you were beautiful, he would raise up alone ...
A blonde piloting an airplane
This is the story of a young blonde woman who is accompanied by the only driver who dies of a heart attack and leaves her alone in control of the aircraft.
The young woman then tries to join the rescue: "Mayday, Maiday! The pilot is dead and I do not know how to fly a plane, I need help!"
A voice on the radio answers: "Here, air traffic control, I received your message 5 out of 5. Do not panic, we will guide you and bring you back to your destination, breathe calmly and everything will be fine. first, you must give me your height and your position. "
The blonde replied: "I am 1m64 tall and I am sitting in the front seat."
The voice on the radio went on: "Well received lady, repeat after me: Our father who is in heaven ..."
Chauvinism USA vs France
It is an American who, during his stay in the French capital, takes a taxi and visits Paris. The taxi then passes in front of the Arc de Triomphe:
- What is that ?
- This is our Arc de Triomphe.
- How long did you take to build that?
- It took several years.
- At home, it takes no more than 3 days.
The taxi then passes in front of the cathedral of Notre-Dame:
- And that what is it ?
- It's Notre-Dame, the cathedral of Paris.
- How long did you take to build that?
- Oh ... many tens of years, no doubt.
- At home, in Texas: 6 days.
The driver begins to have heated ears to hear this American.
They then pass in front of the Eiffel Tower:
- What is that ?
- That? I dunno. It was not here this morning!
Convincing excuse
A woman goes home early and finds her husband in their bedroom making love with a beautiful and sexy young woman. She says then:
- Pig species! How can you do that to me, your faithful wife, the mother of your children? I leave this house, I ask for a divorce!
- Wait, wait a minute! Before you go, let me at least tell you what happened, he says.
- Ok, but that's the last thing I'll hear from you.
The husband begins to tell his story.
- I was driving home and this young woman was hitchhiking. I saw it so clueless that I stopped and put it up. She was pretty but dirty and ragged. She explained that she had not eaten for 3 days ...
Very moved, I brought her home and I warmed the ravioli I had prepared for you the night before and you did not want to eat because you're afraid to grow. The poor little girl practically devoured them.
As she was very dirty, I suggested that she take a shower ... While she was showering, I took her clothes full of holes, I threw them and I gave her jeans that you had for a few years and you can not wear because it's too fair.
I also gave him the blouse I gave you on the occasion of your birthday and that you do not wear because I do not taste good.
I gave him the sweater that my sister gave you and that you will not wear, just to annoy him.
I also gave him the boots that you bought in a luxury shop and that you never put, after seeing the same worn by your co-worker.
The young woman was very grateful and I accompanied her to the door.
The story should have stopped there ... but she turned to me with tears and asked me ...
- You have nothing else that your wife does not use?
A boss wants to hire an accountant
A boss wants to hire an accountant for his business.
He says to himself, at first, that he will look for a soldier. They are rigorous, disciplined people, etc.
The interview goes well, and before saying goodbye, the boss still asks the former officer if he knows how to count.
- But yes of course ! the military responds.
- Very good. Go a little, to see.
- A two, a two, a two ...
The boss thinks and then says that he is going to look for a computer scientist. They are logical, intelligent, etc.
The interview is going well, and in the end he asks the same question.
- No problem, says the computer scientist. Zero one, zero one, zero ...
Finally, the boss has an illumination: he will hire an official! They are honest, conscientious, etc ...
The appointment is quickly dispatched, and then comes the moment of the famous question:
- Yes, of course, says the official: One, two, three ...
- Well, keep going ...
- Four, five, six, seven, eight ...
- Great ! A little more ?
- Nine, ten, valet, lady and king
The fastest father
It's 3 kids chatting in the playground and everyone praises the fact that his father is the fastest in the world.
The first tells:
- My dad, he's super fast. He is a TGV driver. At 12:00 it is in Paris and at 14:30 it is in Marseille!
The second one goes on:
- Pfff, it's bad. Me, my father, he is pilot of the Concorde plane. At 12:00 it is in Paris, at 15:00 it is in New York!
The third then speaks and says:
- Band of little players!
The first two, taken aback, then ask:
- What does your father do to you? He is an astronaut?
- No, he's an official. He finishes his work at 5:00 pm and at 4:00 pm he is at home.
The closest destination
Two french blondes are talking when one of them asks :
- I wonder whiwh one is the closest to us, the moon or the United States ?
- Well... the moon of course ! We can't see the USA from here !
All racists in the company!
Angry, the young Moustapha goes to find his boss and tells him:
- I can not work at home anymore, sir, all your employees are racist!
- What? What are you talking about here? Whether there is one or two, I do not mind, but surely not all.
- Yes, I tell you they are all! In fact, I did a test to be sure: I asked them a question, and they all gave me the same answer!
- A question ? But what question?
- I asked them what they would think if we exterminated all the Arabs and all the hairdressers.
- The hairdressers? Why hairdressers?
- Ah, you see, you too!
A beautiful boat!
During a walk along the beach, a father and his son discuss:
- Oh dad, look at the beautiful boat!
- No, son, it's not a boat but it's a yacht.
- Oh yes, and how is it written dad?
- Uh ..., wait ... no it's you who's right, it's a boat.
A beer every day
Two old friends have a habit of drinking a beer in a bar every day for a long time. One day one of them announces bad news to his friend:
- Tomorrow I'm moving, promise me to come and have a beer for me every day in this bar.
- I promis you.
The next day, he comes back and orders 2 beers, as promised. The bartender asks him why 2 beers.
- My friend moved and I promised to drink a beer for him every day ...
Months pass and one evening he orders just 1 beer and the bartender asks him:
- He came back your boyfriend?
- No, but I stopped drinking.
No punishments for Toto
It's toto who arrives at school, enters his classroom and sits quietly in his place. As soon as the teacher enters the classroom, he rushes towards her, telling him with tears in his eyes:
- Madam, may I ask you a question?
- Of course Toto, what is it?
- Madam uh ... can we punish someone for something she did not do?
- Of course not finally, there are no reasons!
And there, with a very happy air, Toto said to him:
- And all the better, I did not do my homework.
Dog football supporter
A man watches a match of the English team on TV in a bar. His dog sits by his side and also watches the game when, finally, England scores a goal! The dog begins to bark and run in all directions! Astonished, the person next door asks him:
- What's happening to your dog?
- He is a supporter of the England team, he is happy!
- Ben say so, just for a goal ?! And what does it do when England wins a match?
- Oh that, I do not know! I only have it for 2 years ...
A blonde who cries
A blonde woman who gave birth to beautiful twins is crying. The nurse asks her :
- Why are are you crying, you are now the mother of two beautiful and healthy babies !
- I know, but I don't know who the father of the second baby is !
The blonde and the penguin
A brunette asks her blonde friend :
Hi, did you bring the penguin you found yesterday to the zoo ?
- Yes, I think he enjoyed it but now we are going to the movies.
Puzzle Record
Two blonde women have a conversation :
- I just broke a record !
- Really, what did you do ?
- I managed to complete in only 6 months a puzzle on which was written "3 to 5 years !"
Women and ducks in paradise
Three women die at the same time in an accident and find themselves at the gates of paradise. Saint-Pierre is here to welcome them:
- Good morning ladies, here in paradise, we have only one rule, you must never walk on a duck, or you will regret it!
He therefore brings the three ladies into paradise. There are ducks everywhere, it is almost impossible to move without crushing one. The three women are extremely careful, but the first walk accidentally on a duck. St. Peter immediately arrives with a horribly ugly man, ties him to the woman, and says:
- Your punishment, for walking on a duck, will be to be attached to this man for eternity!
The two other women who attended the scene pay even more attention. However, the second woman walks, she too on a duck.
Once again, St. Peter does not let that happen, and arrives with a hideously ugly man. He ties them together and says:
- Your punishment, for walking on a duck, will be to be attached to this man for eternity!
The third woman never wants to end up in such a horrible position. She managed to hold out for several weeks, when suddenly St. Peter arrived with the most beautiful man she had ever seen, and tied them together. Tall, muscular, tanned, he was just perfect. She then said to him:
- I wonder what I could do to be attached to you for eternity!
The handsome man answers:
- I do not know about you, but I walked on a duck!
A blonde orders a pizza
A blonde orders a pizza. The seller asks her :
- Do you want me to cut in 6 or 12 slices ?
- Oh, 6 pleae ! I'll never be able to eat 12 slices of pizza.